Never Let Go

Last night I was talking to my dad and through our conversation the Lord revealed something to me about my family.

My parents divorced about 6 years ago after almost 25 years of marriage. I was so devastated and I started to question God, my parents and everything that they had ever taught me. I was so angry at them. They were Christians and Christians don't get divorced! It has taken some time, words of encouragement from friends and a little therapy to get through the heartache that came from this situation. Not that I am over it by any means, but there has been a lot of healing. I have always struggled with the decisions that my parents made and continue to make since the divorce and have had to battle the thought that I am responsible for opening their eyes to what needs to change. This is something that has been even harder to let go of than the unforgiveness. I feel like I need to say something to open their eyes and make them change back to the way I thought they were or to what I think they should be. I feel responsible for their salvation or at least I worry about the way that they live. I know that this way of thinking is wrong, but it's just so hard to let go of. It's not just my parents, either. I have a younger brother that I worry about as well. I don't want to sound like I think I'm holier than them. I don't really think they are all going to hell in a handbasket. I just want them to be like they used to be (or what I thought they were back when I was a kid). I want them to be free in Christ. I want to see the fruit of their spiritual growth. I think most Christians can identify with that - wanting those you love to either come to know Christ for the first time or to know Him more intimately. As believers in community with one another, we see that kind of growth among ourselves and it is so beautiful to watch in other people and to see it happen in your own life as well. Anyway, I kind of felt like my family was out of God's hands in a way and I have really worried about them.

So, back to my conversation with my dad...

My dad and I were talking about this home group that he is in and I was thinking "bla bla bla... whatever" and then it hit me... my dad was surrounded by people that love him, love Jesus and care about his spiritual well being! Then I remembered the last conversation that my mom and I had. She was talking about the new church she and her husband were going to and the women's group she had joined through this church and a woman that had taken an interest in her and always made her feel welcome. My mom was also surrounded by people that love her, love Jesus and care about her spiritual well being. And what about me? I am just as much a sinner as my parents are and look around me! I am surrounded by people who love me, love Jesus and care about my spiritual well being! That's when the David Crowder song came into my head, "Never Let Go". Jesus has never let go of any of us. He has had us in His hands the whole time. I never had a reason to worry about my family because He loves them so much more than I ever could. He has never and will never ever let go of us. Those four words "You never let go" have so much power and joy in them!

I have been struggling with Easter this year and how the “world” has turned it away from the resurrection of Christ and into a celebration of candy, bunnies and lots of other things that, in the long run, don’t matter.  But, this morning I was really moved by a song I heard on the radio about how there will be a day when all of the pain and suffering in this world (i.e. infertility for me) will be redeemed in Christ and He will wash all of the sin and death away.  I was so moved by it that I came into work and went strait to my Bible.  I went to a scripture that a friend of mine preached on a few weeks ago, Romans 8:15-25.  It talks about our struggle with the flesh, how God longs to see us redeemed and about the promise we Christians have of that redemption.  My friend mentioned that it is this completed redemption that we look forward to and celebrate during the Easter season.  It hit me that one of the things we (meaning the world, not just as Christians) celebrate during Easter is spring, a time of the year when everything is new, fresh and green!  There are new babies (animals and humans); new flowers, trees and grass are green again after a brown winter. Everything is colorful.  That is what we have to look forward to, on a much larger scale, as believers: new life, new bodies and a new earth!  I think that spring is a wonderful time to celebrate the resurrection of Christ because it gives us an example of what we have to look forward to.

There Will Be A Day Song Lyrics

by Jeremy Camp

 

 

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you’ve walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that’s in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting 

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced 
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

 

My Spiritual Journey Part 2

Lately I have been really missing being part of a Charismatic church.  Not everything about it and actually not just lately, I think I've missed it since I moved to Macon!  We went to see Jars of Clay in concert last night and during the show I started reminiscing about my teen/young adult years and I realized that what I have been missing is the passion that I had for the Lord back then.  I still love Him, but back then I didn't care how silly I acted or seemed to other people.  I think of myself back then like a baby deer that is trying to stand up for the first time, so ready to run yet very awkward and I was probably as funny to watch.  I had so much emotion that I think I probably scared some people away!  I guess that is why I became to serious and self-conscious.  I realized how silly I looked and was embarrassed. I do admit that I was a little too emotionally driven in some ways.  Some of my emotion was good and part of my spiritual growth, but a lot of it was me trying to make it all about me and not God.  I know now that I didn't have a very strong biblical foundation.  Now, I have a little emotion and a little more of a solid biblical foundation, but I feel stifled.  I want to be free.  I am tired of trying to look like everyone else.  I want to be so full of the Holy Spirit that He is what people see when they look at me.  That way if I am acting silly it will be because of the Holy Spirit and I can just blame it on Him!  I know that it takes spending time in God's word and in prayer.  So, if you think about me please pray that God will give me the strength to do what I need to do and that He will continue to draw me closer to Him.  I hope that one day I can let go of myself, but until that day comes I hope that my ramblings on about myself and my struggles will encourage someone else.  

My Spiritual Journey

I was just thinking today about how long I have been a Christian, the churches that I have been a part of, and how different they are.  I have struggled over the years with the way Christians all have different beliefs or interpret scripture differently.  I was reading 1 Corinthians today and when I got to chapter 3 where Paul was addressing division in the church it made me start thinking about this.  I grew up in two different non-denominational churches.  The first one was "Cowboy Church" and the second was "Hosannah".  Both of them were pretty charismatic in most ways as far as speaking in tongues and worshipping with lots of freedom to raise your hands, dance or get on your knees and believing in prophecy.  Baptist was a bad word because they were stiff and not "filled with the Holy Spirit".  Since graduating from high school I have been a part of a few different denominations in one way or another and therefore have really had to search my heart and scripture to find the truth in all that I have learned.  I guess this is a lot to tackle in just one post.  At least it is for me.  I'm already getting tired of typing.  Anyway, basically I struggle with this desire to be free and "Charismatic" and yet not get so carried away with my emotions that I bypass truth.  I know there has to be a balance because God's word says that "true worshipers worship in Spirit and Truth".  (I am somewhat expecting someone to tell me that I am interpreting that wrong)  I guess this struggle I have is good because it is drawing me to seek Him more.  But, I feel that at the same time I am struggling with bitterness against those that challenge what I do believe or tell me that I am interpreting something in God's word incorrectly.  I will write more about this later.

Showered with Love

Last Saturday our friends gave us a surprise baby shower.  It was such a blessing to both of us.  It was really great timing since I was feeling a little depressed about not having a baby.  Also, Tripp and I both really struggle with significance.  We go through times where we don't feel like we fit in with the people around us or that people don't like us.  But, on Saturday the Barham's house was full of people there to celebrate with us.  It was so amazing to see how many people were there to support us in our efforts to adopt a baby.  I mean, how many baby showers do you go to where there is no guarantee of a baby in 9 months or less?  We both really felt loved.   I am just amazed that God cares so much for me that, even though I should know that I can trust Him with our future (with or without a baby) and that I should find my significance in Him only and not how many people like me, He still meets me where I am and gives me encouragement and hope when I need it the most.    

Baby

I go through periods of time where I am excited about adopting and so thankful that God has put adoption on my heart.  Then there are times when it seems like everyone around me is having a baby and, while I'm happy for them, I can't help but be a little sad and jealous .  For a while I was busy with IMPACT classes and then I was working on baby registries and the baby room.  So, now I am back to being emotional and being really jealous when I hear of someone getting pregnant or having a baby.   I was really hoping that when we decided to adopt that all of these feelings would go away.  I guess they won't until we finally have a little one in our arms.  

The beginning

I am not really a computer person.  All I really do is e-mail and FaceBook.  But, I used to journal a lot as a teenager and I think it was really good for me emotionally and spiritually.  I like the idea of getting to share my thoughts and my spiritual journey.