My Spiritual Journey Part 2

Lately I have been really missing being part of a Charismatic church.  Not everything about it and actually not just lately, I think I've missed it since I moved to Macon!  We went to see Jars of Clay in concert last night and during the show I started reminiscing about my teen/young adult years and I realized that what I have been missing is the passion that I had for the Lord back then.  I still love Him, but back then I didn't care how silly I acted or seemed to other people.  I think of myself back then like a baby deer that is trying to stand up for the first time, so ready to run yet very awkward and I was probably as funny to watch.  I had so much emotion that I think I probably scared some people away!  I guess that is why I became to serious and self-conscious.  I realized how silly I looked and was embarrassed. I do admit that I was a little too emotionally driven in some ways.  Some of my emotion was good and part of my spiritual growth, but a lot of it was me trying to make it all about me and not God.  I know now that I didn't have a very strong biblical foundation.  Now, I have a little emotion and a little more of a solid biblical foundation, but I feel stifled.  I want to be free.  I am tired of trying to look like everyone else.  I want to be so full of the Holy Spirit that He is what people see when they look at me.  That way if I am acting silly it will be because of the Holy Spirit and I can just blame it on Him!  I know that it takes spending time in God's word and in prayer.  So, if you think about me please pray that God will give me the strength to do what I need to do and that He will continue to draw me closer to Him.  I hope that one day I can let go of myself, but until that day comes I hope that my ramblings on about myself and my struggles will encourage someone else.  

My Spiritual Journey

I was just thinking today about how long I have been a Christian, the churches that I have been a part of, and how different they are.  I have struggled over the years with the way Christians all have different beliefs or interpret scripture differently.  I was reading 1 Corinthians today and when I got to chapter 3 where Paul was addressing division in the church it made me start thinking about this.  I grew up in two different non-denominational churches.  The first one was "Cowboy Church" and the second was "Hosannah".  Both of them were pretty charismatic in most ways as far as speaking in tongues and worshipping with lots of freedom to raise your hands, dance or get on your knees and believing in prophecy.  Baptist was a bad word because they were stiff and not "filled with the Holy Spirit".  Since graduating from high school I have been a part of a few different denominations in one way or another and therefore have really had to search my heart and scripture to find the truth in all that I have learned.  I guess this is a lot to tackle in just one post.  At least it is for me.  I'm already getting tired of typing.  Anyway, basically I struggle with this desire to be free and "Charismatic" and yet not get so carried away with my emotions that I bypass truth.  I know there has to be a balance because God's word says that "true worshipers worship in Spirit and Truth".  (I am somewhat expecting someone to tell me that I am interpreting that wrong)  I guess this struggle I have is good because it is drawing me to seek Him more.  But, I feel that at the same time I am struggling with bitterness against those that challenge what I do believe or tell me that I am interpreting something in God's word incorrectly.  I will write more about this later.

Showered with Love

Last Saturday our friends gave us a surprise baby shower.  It was such a blessing to both of us.  It was really great timing since I was feeling a little depressed about not having a baby.  Also, Tripp and I both really struggle with significance.  We go through times where we don't feel like we fit in with the people around us or that people don't like us.  But, on Saturday the Barham's house was full of people there to celebrate with us.  It was so amazing to see how many people were there to support us in our efforts to adopt a baby.  I mean, how many baby showers do you go to where there is no guarantee of a baby in 9 months or less?  We both really felt loved.   I am just amazed that God cares so much for me that, even though I should know that I can trust Him with our future (with or without a baby) and that I should find my significance in Him only and not how many people like me, He still meets me where I am and gives me encouragement and hope when I need it the most.    

Baby

I go through periods of time where I am excited about adopting and so thankful that God has put adoption on my heart.  Then there are times when it seems like everyone around me is having a baby and, while I'm happy for them, I can't help but be a little sad and jealous .  For a while I was busy with IMPACT classes and then I was working on baby registries and the baby room.  So, now I am back to being emotional and being really jealous when I hear of someone getting pregnant or having a baby.   I was really hoping that when we decided to adopt that all of these feelings would go away.  I guess they won't until we finally have a little one in our arms.  

The beginning

I am not really a computer person.  All I really do is e-mail and FaceBook.  But, I used to journal a lot as a teenager and I think it was really good for me emotionally and spiritually.  I like the idea of getting to share my thoughts and my spiritual journey.